The following is an actual conversation I overheard at a wig party….

Mullet/rocker wig gal: What the fu@#, Roy is back!  I went camping last week, Roy loves camping… oh does he ever love camping.

Afro wig woman: Dirty Bastard! I can’t seem to get rid of Roy since I got pregnant! Goddamned Roy. He loves a party and to pop up (out) at the most inconvenient of times

Mullet/rocker gal: I did an Internet search to find out WTF is up with Roy and I got three answers. #1 constipation, but I’m not constipated. #2 pregnancy, nope not that either and #3, and I quote… “No good Goddamn reason at all! ” 

At first, I thought “Whoa this Roy guy is a real pain in the ass kind of guy” and then quickly realized “Roy” is short for hemorrhoid.

Definition: Hemorrhoids (HEM-uh-roids)- swollen and inflamed veins in your anus and lower rectum.

Used in a sentence: “I can’t sit down with this golf ball of a hemorrhoid in my butt.”

angry hemmorhoid man

If Roy were a man, he’d look something like this.


If a hemorrhoid were a plant, it’d look something like this.

Anyway, I understand Mullet girls frustration.  But, the human body does NOT do anything for “no goddamn reason at all.”  There’s always a reason. I hope to shed some light on Roy.  As you already know chronic straining during bowel movements can lead to hemorrhoids.  So, I won’t get into the proper diet and drinking enough water to avoid constipation.  I want to look at a less known reason for hemorrhoids…the liver.

The liver has around 500 metabolic functions, that we know of.  A few of those functions are raising and lowering your blood sugar levels by storing or releasing glycogen, producing bile salts, plasma proteins, amino acids and cholesterol, breaking down hormones, making CoQ10, removing ammonia, activating and storing vitamin D, iron, b12 and vitamin A, oxidizing fats for energy, making blood coagulation products and changing sugar into fats such as triglycerides and neutralizes toxins! Wow, and I used to think it was just for processing alcohol.  On top of all of that work load, all of the blood from the digestive organs pass through the liver via the portal vein. When the liver is overloaded the result is backup flow in the digestive organs, as if a beaver created a dam in front of the entrance of the liver.  This backup pressure contributes to bloating in the intestines and pooling in the venous system.  The most common vein to become engorged is the hemorrhoidal vein.  No amount of preparation H is going to fix the problem if the liver is backed up.

The liver has two stages of detoxifications and requires specific nutrients for each stage.  If the second stage is not working as quickly as the first, it could make the situation worse!  If you’re planning on optimizing your liver detox pathways, seek assistance from a functional nutritionalist or ND.

Action steps to rid Roy:

  • Be kind to your liver. Ditch the chemical body products and make-up. Your liver has to deal with everything you put in and on your body. Visit EWG to see how your products stand up.
  • Control your blood sugar.  Get a blood sugar meter.  The “normal” recommended levels are not actually the optimal levels. Read Chris Kressers article on glucose meters and optimal levels HERE.  If your liver is constantly regulating blood sugar, it can’t do its other several hundred jobs efficiently.
  • Get a Visceral Manipulation™ treatment to improve liver motility and function and reduce intestinal congestion.
  • See a certified Arvigo practitioner and ask for “Hortence’s Point Technique”. This technique can get the stagnant blood moving through the hemorrhoidal vein relieving the engorgement.  H.P. won’t solve the Roy issue if the source of the problem is the Liver, but it can certainly relieve the symptoms.
  • Speaking of circulation through the pelvis, I recommend the Healthy Pelvis DVD to all of my clients with pelvic congestion. Again, not liver related, but a very important piece!
  • Do your Liver Sounds.
  • Walk! Walking is the best thing you can do for your circulation. Sit less, move more. Check out the Don’t Just Sit There Program!
  • Stinging Nettle Leaf infusions. Nettles are a vascular tonic. Put one ounce by weight in a mason jar, fill it with boiling water, put the lid on and let it steep for at least four hours or overnight. strain it and put the infusion in the fridge. Nettle infusion is wonderful cold, but you can also drink it warm. Drink 3-4 cups a day several times a week.
  • Homeopathic Elastic Tissue “From growing pains and stretch marks to varicose veins and hemorrhoids, this unique cell salt formula adds bounce-back-ability to life. Veins, muscles, tendons and skin all depend on these cell salts for strength and flexibility.”

Again, many folks suffer from hemorrhoids without ever having constipation, but I feel a hemorrhoid post wouldn’t be complete without talking about constipation. Since it’s such a vast subject, I covered constipation in another post, click HERE.

Roy Image Credit:© Can Stock Photo Inc. /BluezAce

Free Womb Care ebook!

Subscribe to the Alignment Monkey newsletter to get the Womb Care ebook for FREE!

You have successfully subscribed. Your ebook should arrive within a few minutes.

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This