I was feeling lost today, my mind going in many directions. I was feeling fragmented. Whenever this happens it’s a reminder for me to pause, close my eyes and breathe. I allowed my breath to expand my ribcage in a circumference. The mechanics of breathing in this way fills the lungs and opens up the intercostal spaces. It also stimulates circulation, lymph movement, and peristalsis of the colon. But that’s not all, put the mechanics aside for a moment, close your eyes and breathe fully-notice what you feel in your body. For me, the “breath” traveled down my spine and got stuck at thoracic vertebrae 10 through 12 (T-10-12). T-10-12 has been bothering me on and off for many years. It can be very uncomfortable, so much so that I want someone to pop my spine back into place. Instead of asking a burly stranger for a bear hug I contort my body into all kinds of positions trying to get my vertebrae to pop back into place.
My body said No: The problem with my thoracic spine probably originated 20 years ago or more when I was working as waitress in a bar. The bar would get so crowded that I had to carrying trays of drinks straight over my head. I didn’t have the shoulder strength or full range of motion in my shoulder girdle to do so properly, so I’d lift, rotate and shear my ribcage and rest the load on my thoracic vertebrae.
The physical load wasn’t all that I stored there. I hated my job, I hated being poked (seriously people poke their waitresses), I was sick of breathing in the cigarette smoke (I had to run to the bathroom so often to clear my snot filled head that my boss accused me of snorting cocaine), sick of being talked down to by drunk condescending perverted bosses, hot headed cooks (a cook threw a knife at me once because I asked when my order would be ready), and belligerent customers. If I had a nickel for every time I wanted to shove a fork through someones eyeball, I would be a rich woman. …Okay, I wasn’t the most bubbly waitress for sure, but I kept my rage inside (except for the time I clobbered a man in the head with my tray for grabbing my gluteus maximus-true story). So, yea, I was carrying some anger in my spine as well. …and then my body said NO! My body ached all the time, but I ignored it and took ibuprofen and shots of tequila. Eventually my body said no in another way when I lost my voice. You can’t exactly wait tables without a voice; my body made the decision to quit for me . Thank you body, I’m sorry I didn’t listen sooner.
Back to the breath and the present moment: I stayed with the breath giving myself the attention I would give a good friend in need, not trying to fix anything- just listening with an open heart. I observed how the breath moved along my spine. A few moments into it, the breath moved through the stuck area and all the way down to my sacrum and back up to my cranium and back down again. It felt fluid, like the movement of a jellyfish in the water. The pain disappeared and so did the feeling of being lost and fragmented. Sadness emerged in place of the pain. I say sadness, but it’s hard to describe. It probably had fear and anger wrapped in there as well, but it doesn’t matter, it’s just different ends of the spectrum. This emotion was old, stored in my spine for many years. I stayed with the feeling, following it with acceptance and a nonjudgemental heart until it transformed into a state of peace and warmth.
Moral of the story: There are obvious physical reasons (rib thrusting) for the pain, but whether we realize it or not, the energy from stored emotions are intertwined in the physical body unless we allow ourselves to feel and process emotion when it comes up. It’s natural to want to get away from pain or uncomfortable emotions by distracting ourselves with food, alcohol, TV or other coping tools. But, we can’t heal what we don’t allow ourselves to feel.
“The gateway to our feelings is the physical body; the key is the breath. Breath is the bridge between all levels of awareness: mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual.”– Gilles Marin author of Healing From Within with Chi Nei Tsang.
When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection, by Gabor Mate
Alignment Homework: Everyone Needs a Little Shoulder Bolster Another one of my favorite Alignment Snacks! 35 minutes consisting of shoulder openers with some posterior leg muscles thrown in. For this snack you will need a Yoga Bolster or a stack of wool blankets and perhaps your Yoga Strap, or dog leash or beach towel if you don’t have a yoga strap. Katy demonstrates how internally rotated humeri affects the pecs and thoracic area and she talks about how it can negatively affect shoulder girdle range of motion, heart and lung function and lymph drainage. If you drive, work on a computer, are a waitress, LMT, or someone who has arms, or for anyone worried about kyphosis this would be a great snack for you because most likely you spend the bulk of the time in internal rotation. It may also be an eye opener for you yogis out there who may think they are flexible in the shoulder girdle, but actually distort their ribcage and thoracic position to make up for lack of range of motion in the shoulders. Other alignment Snacks that are geared around the thoracic and shoulder girdle are: Can’t Get Enough Shoulders, Within Reach, Rhomboid Madness and Take a Load off The Chest. Alignment Snacks are short recorded classes that you can download and watch anytime you wish. At $5 a class, they’re a bargain. Click on the banner below.
I loved this post Barbara. I’m so sorry you had to deal with those people in that job! Customer service positions can really stink. I absolutely love your photo, though. 🙂 I need to read Radical Acceptance. The sort of “staying with your emotions” you describe is a tough one for me. Thanks!
Thanks Debbie. It wasn’t all bad. I had fun at times and worked with some great people. In the end, it just wasn’t the right environment for me. I feel much more at home working one on one with people in a relaxing atmosphere with candles and whale sounds in the background. ; )
Thanks for this post!
loved your post. it really speaks to me. seems i love avoiding emotions despite knowing it doesn’t serve me. so this has inspired me to be more gentle with myself and brave so i can get to the other side. blessings.
Is it possible that in order to be the wonderful creature you currently are, all that transpired before was necessary? Not really answerable, but worth pondering. Nice blog post, B.
Absolutely Tim, I totally see it. Tough times are a chance to learn and grow. Every decision I make will determine what the next moment will bring.
Beautifully written and described. I love this post! Glad you’re not still waiting tables for a living. Your energy is much better spent by what you’re doing now.
Great insight, thanks for sharing
I can so identify with this (as with so many of your posts)– I”m a rib thruster, head is forward, my breath stops at my mid-back. It felt good to stay with the breath all the way down. Thank you.
I’m slowly getting the Alignment Snacks (limited internet, darn it) and love them. I’ll be getting the neck one next.