When I was a little girl my cousin Tammy and I found a half-used bottle of Cover Girl foundation in the dirt. Score!!! The makeup was probably older than us and 10 shades too dark, but we really wanted to be tan, so we slathered it on and walked around like our shit didn’t stink. I remember feeling so beautiful like the women on soap operas. ….until my Aunt Linda walked in and told us we looked like “a couple of assholes”. Taking her literally, I thought she meant actual anuses. The longer we stared at our faces in the mirror we started to see her point, especially when we puckered our lips.
A couple Lil’ a-holes. Barbie (in studded jeans) Tammy (right)
Fast forward 40 years… while Googling “rectal stretch receptors” (I was researching constipation for an article I was writing…I swear!) I found a picture of me in Google images, yes me, between an article on anal physiology and images of butt holes and rectums, lots and lots of rectums and anuses….and me.
Article on anal physiology (left), Barbara Horsley (center) and a bunch of the assholes on the right.
Honestly, I’m proud to be in such company after reading Mary Roach’s book Gulp, …“I was talking to a physician reader, and he got to tell me about the anus, which is this amazing thing that nobody appreciates. Here’s this ring of muscle with nerves that has to discriminate between solid, liquid, and gas, and let it out accordingly. He’s like, “No engineer could design something as multifunctional and fine-tuned as an anus. To call someone an asshole is really bragging him up.” ….Maybe Aunt Linda was complimenting us…I doubt it though.
Well, well, well, look what I found in the dirt (2019). I think the Universe is testing me. I really want to glow, but I’ve learned my lesson.
So to review, the rectum is highly sensitive and discriminates between solid, liquid or gas (hopefully!!!). Say thank you to your rectum and anus every time you have a decent bowel movement, or when they prevent you from sharting in your pants. When nature calls, find yourself a bathroom. If you’re public bathroom adverse and chronically hold your poo you’ll dampen the high tech signaling that nature engineered. And you’ll lose tone in your rectum leading to constipation and possibly a megacolon (that’s what Elvis had), and nobody wants that! Get to the bathroom within 10 minutes of feeling the urge to poo to take advantage of the natural contractions of the colon resulting in better poops.
Tips for the public bathroom adverse crowd:
- make a nest of toilet paper on the seat if you need to. Don’t squat over the toilet. Your pelvic floor muscles won’t be able to relax in such a high squat.
- Carry a product like Poo-Pourri Before-You-Go Toilet Spray. “Spritz the bowl before-you-go and no one else will ever know!” No more trying to mask odor that’s already in the air because you spray it in the toilet before you go and it traps in odors under the surface.
- If you’re at work and need to go, walk to the bathroom with a toothbrush in hand and announce loudly (but not too loudly) that you need to go brush and floss your teeth, so you may be a few minutes. Honestly, when the stool makes it to the poop shoot and those rectal stretch receptors are activated, it shouldn’t take more than a couple of minutes from start to finish in the bathroom. This study found that it takes mammals an average of 12 seconds to defecate. This makes sense, you wouldn’t want to hang out too long in a vulnerable position in the wild when the scent of your poo could attract predators, right? You may have experienced the urgent feeling while pooping in the woods with the thought, “oh, please God don’t let a snake bite me in the ass or cougar drag me into a den with my pants down.” Nobody wants to go out like that! Even though we aren’t at risk of attack in our own bathrooms, we were designed to have a fairly quick evacuation. If it takes you longer than a few minutes, you may have tension in your pelvic floor, not be relaxed enough, have anal sphincter dysfunction, dry stool, or a rectocele. Read more in my Constipation AKA Log Jam article. If it ain’t happening after a few minutes, abort the mission and try some of the suggestions in the Log Jam article. You shouldn’t have to strain. Chronic straining can lead to pelvic floor dysfunction and pelvic organ prolapse.
- Train yourself to go at the same time in the morning before you leave the house. It helps to give yourself extra time in the morning so you aren’t feeling rushed in the morning. Defecation signaling happens the best while under the rest and digest parasympathetic mode. Make your morning relaxing, layout what you will wear the night before. Get up before everyone else when the house is still peaceful and you don’t have to tend to everyone else, drink some lemon water and a nice cup of tea.
You may be wondering why Google index me as an asshole? Maybe because I write about the colon and poo so much. BTW, this takes lots of online research and there are things that I will never unsee. I’ve done the dirty work so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.
(Note to self: designate a friend to erase my hard drive when I die.)
Make Shift Happen, A Constipation Cure
Colon Healing After Laxative Abuse
Breathing Mechanics and the Colon
You are just awesome. Thank you! For your humor AND your knowledge.
Always informative to read your blog. And before Mary Roach does too, perhaps you could correct the spelling of her name?! 🙂